Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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