I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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