I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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