Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
