Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
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Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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