i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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