Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
