They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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