Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
