I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
