just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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