so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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