i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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