I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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