im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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