You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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