Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
