last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Pooping to opera.
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