dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
