Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You may now shotgun with the bride
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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