If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
