I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
