I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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