Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
