I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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