he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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