I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
