Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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