my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
