I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
