you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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