Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
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His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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