how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
