She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
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I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?