Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑