I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
