My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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