I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
