I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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