Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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