CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
