i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
