i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing