his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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