Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
