I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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