Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
