I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
