Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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