Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
