i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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