Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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