tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
