the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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