you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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