just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
