i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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