And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
