I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
