i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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