2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
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