why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
