do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.