If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy