Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
