He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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