Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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