He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
